Lets Talk About

Okay, it’s me, Simon, George, Earl & whats left of a 1/2 gallon of Jack. December 30th.
Just watched some UFC on ppv and it was awesome. GO LIDELL!!

Great…tired of typing…

Well, it’s in the middle of the smith, & we can’t really tell which side of the smoking gun we’re on. But, everyone knows that when the storm descends upon you, you can’t hide from the force… you gotta lean hard on all the means your personal spill will forever render.

Last night I witnessed something that was up there with the meteor shower, well, almost. I was doing my usual searching through the guide seeing who was on the talk shows. I always look for cool bands playing and will either try to watch it or record it. Well, much to my surprise, on The Tonight Show, the musical act said TWISTED SISTER !! !! I figured it had to be a mistake. Dee Snyder is too ugly to make a comeback and they haven’t done much since the 80’s.

It was the most wheels off shit I have seen on a late night talk show in a long time. Twisted Sister on Jay Leno, singing “O Come All Ye Faithful” to the music of their song “We’re Not Gonna Take It”. See for yourself:

To all of our friends out there that have kids, you’ll know where I’m coming from on this…

We can all remember the magic of Christmas, right? With two young girls of my own at home, that “magic” is back once again. It’s really cool to see them believe in Santa and Rudolph and Frosty and the whole deal. “Cute” is even an understatement when you see a 3 year-old’s eyes light up at the sight of a department store Santa. That being said, I now know that there is no magic at all…quite the contrary, actually.

It would be magic if someone else would mysteriously assemble this friggin’ swingset that has a 52-page instruction manual.  It would be magic if I didn’t have to dig through the attic every December to bring down the 4 dozen boxes of Christmas decorations, lights, trees, wreaths, and anything else you could possibly imagine. Then put it all back a month later. It would be magic if Santa really did bring all these awesome toys for the kids on his dime. (This just in…it’s expensive as hell, physically taxing, sleep depriving, and chaotic…especially with a wife who does a pretty damn good impersonation of Martha Stewart around the house.) But no…none of that magic happens. So guess what kids? I’m here to blow the lid off the whole myth. It’s NOT magic. THERE IS NO SANTA. It’s your parents buying the toys, deciphering instruction manuals that are written in 17 languages, stuffing your stockings, putting up the lights, and absorbing the whip….all for you. Why? Because we love you and we want you to buy in to this facade for at least a couple more years.
Don’t get me wrong, I love it all…I really do. But DAMN!!

Anyway, here’s to the magic of Christmas. ‘Tis the season, blah blah blah…

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What if the world of humans was that of the dogs? Dogs have no real thought process of who they want to mount and definitely don’t need a case of beer or fifth of whiskey, they just roll up and smell, then go for it.

There is no issue of color, size or even if they yap too much. Best of all, when they’re done, there isn’t much talking involved afterwards. Most importantly though, they do it in front of anyone and everyone. There are even situations where one dog may be too small for the other dog, but you don’t see Dateline with hidden camera’s catching it and interviewing the older dog:

So somewhere along the line, women decided they had a say so in the whole process and put all these rules in place; like love, earn it, too fat, too ugly, not rich enough, and the list goes on.

Maybe we should take a step back and reconsider the laws of sex when it comes to adult encounters. What’s wrong with one man walking up, sniffing around, and mounting on the side of the street or in the park? If the girl isn’t interested, bark and snap at him and he’ll run away.

Let’s get this out of the way. BEER FROM A CAN IS FAR SUPERIOR TO BOTTLED BEER. There. I said it. You need proof? I’ve got your proof. Where do I start? There are so many glaring advantages…let me think. (I’ve had several cans of beer at this point.) I’ll try to list the almost infinite advantages below in no particular order. (Or until I’m sick of typing because it really is endless. Seriously.) Okay, listen up…

Canned beer kicks the living shit out of bottled beer because:

1. The refrigerator. I can stack a 12-box of cans in the door of my fridge. This doesn’t even count the regular shelves either, bro. It’s like that door-shelf was meant for a 12 pack. It’s such a perfect fit…almost as if once placed, they don’t even exist. Stealthy even. Oh, and bottles don’t fit there. Coincidence? No. Kitchen Aid knows wtf is up! When’s the last time you stacked 12 bottles on top of each other without a major cleanup involved? That’s what I thought. It’s a space saver…they’re stackable…even if they do fall out of the fuckin fridge they won’t break. See? God, point #1 KICKS ASS!
2. Identification. I drink one beer…finish it….get another. You ever have a bunch of empty beers on the coffee table and have to pick up 4 of ‘em to find your “fresh” beer? Yeah you have. If not, you’re a pussy and I want you to log-off immediately. Anyway, beer in a can? Problem solved. Give her a little squeeze when you’re done with her and crush the sides in a bit. (You don’t have to fag-out and totally crush the can like you’re some meat-head because this just in…my 3 year-old daughter can crush a beer can, dork. Get over yourself.) With my system, there is no question at all which beer can holds your refreshing treat…it’s the only one that isn’t bent. What are you gonna do with a bottle? Peel the label, gay? Genius. I love point #2.
3. Disposal. You already know how much point #3 crushes any possible argument in favor of bottles right, moron? If you’re still reading this it must mean you’re “pro-bottle” so I better explain my bullet-proof reasoning. Okay, we’re talking about 12 ounces of beer…can or bottle. That being said, how much does an empty beer bottle weigh as opposed to an empty beer can? MORE, STUPID,A LOT MORE. I win…again. Oh yeah, one other thing…since I crush my beer cans I can fit one million more of them in my trash can than you can. Very efficient AND green. I rule.
4. Size matters. When’s the last time you bought a six-pack of tall-boys (16oz.) in bottles? Liar.
5. Safety. Bottles break, cans don’t. Period.
6. Shot-gun. Ever shot-gun a beer from a bottle? Exactly. (I wish you’d try, though, idiot…I’d laugh my ass-off the entire way to the emergency room.) Not interested in shot-gunning beer? Grab your purse and get the hell out of here.
7. Poolside. Bottles aren’t allowed. HAA!! Cans so rule. (And don’t try sneakin’ bottles in. If one of my girls steps on broken glass because your drunk ass broke a bottle at the pool, I’ll administer 60 seconds of the most ferocious ground-and-pound you’ve ever seen.) Don’t go to the pool? Why are you still reading this? Go find a Bartles & Jaymes and GET THE FUCK OFF THIS SITE!
8. Functionality. Now, I’ve never actually done this myself, but from what I understand you can somehow convert a beer can into a pot-smoking apparatus. Rumor has it that there ain’t no way in hell you could do this with a bottle. Conjecture? No. Fact…and don’t question me ever again.
9. Target Practice. Don’t tell me you never had a BB gun??!!?? If you didn’t, I hear this is the place for you. Off you go.
10. THERE ARE TOO MANY MORE REASONS TO TYPE OUT.

I feel really good about that. That is probably the best blog post the internet ever has or ever will see. Now that bottled beer is lying on the pavement in a pool of its’ own blood with little chance of survival I guess I can rest my case. Jeez…that was STRONG, huh?? It’s kinda like beer cans had beer bottles in a Muay Thai clinch and just wouldn’t stop delivering knees or something.
So, in summary, beer in a can is better than beer in a bottle. Cheers.