Let’s get this out of the way. BEER FROM A CAN IS FAR SUPERIOR TO BOTTLED BEER. There. I said it. You need proof? I’ve got your proof. Where do I start? There are so many glaring advantages…let me think. (I’ve had several cans of beer at this point.) I’ll try to list the almost infinite advantages below in no particular order. (Or until I’m sick of typing because it really is endless. Seriously.) Okay, listen up…

Canned beer kicks the living shit out of bottled beer because:

  1. The refrigerator. I can stack a 12-box of cans in the door of my fridge. This doesn’t even count the regular shelves either, bro. It’s like that door-shelf was meant for a 12 pack. It’s such a perfect fit…almost as if once placed, they don’t even exist. Stealthy even. Oh, and bottles don’t fit there. Coincidence? No. Kitchen Aid knows wtf is up! When’s the last time you stacked 12 bottles on top of each other without a major cleanup involved? That’s what I thought. It’s a space saver…they’re stackable…even if they do fall out of the fuckin fridge they won’t break. See? God, point #1 KICKS ASS!
  2. Identification. I drink one beer…finish it….get another. You ever have a bunch of empty beers on the coffee table and have to pick up 4 of ‘em to find your “fresh” beer? Yeah you have. If not, you’re a pussy and I want you to log-off immediately. Anyway, beer in a can? Problem solved. Give her a little squeeze when you’re done with her and crush the sides in a bit. (You don’t have to fag-out and totally crush the can like you’re some meat-head because this just in…my 3 year-old daughter can crush a beer can, dork. Get over yourself.) With my system, there is no question at all which beer can holds your refreshing treat…it’s the only one that isn’t bent. What are you gonna do with a bottle? Peel the label, gay? Genius. I love point #2.
  3. Disposal. You already know how much point #3 crushes any possible argument in favor of bottles right, moron? If you’re still reading this it must mean you’re “pro-bottle” so I better explain my bullet-proof reasoning. Okay, we’re talking about 12 ounces of beer…can or bottle. That being said, how much does an empty beer bottle weigh as opposed to an empty beer can? MORE, STUPID,A LOT MORE. I win…again. Oh yeah, one other thing…since I crush my beer cans I can fit one million more of them in my trash can than you can. Very efficient AND green. I rule.
  4. Size matters. When’s the last time you bought a six-pack of tall-boys (16oz.) in bottles? Liar.
  5. Safety. Bottles break, cans don’t. Period.
  6. Shot-gun. Ever shot-gun a beer from a bottle? Exactly. (I wish you’d try, though, idiot…I’d laugh my ass-off the entire way to the emergency room.) Not interested in shot-gunning beer? Grab your purse and get the hell out of here.
  7. Poolside. Bottles aren’t allowed. HAA!! Cans so rule. (And don’t try sneakin’ bottles in. If one of my girls steps on broken glass because your drunk ass broke a bottle at the pool, I’ll administer 60 seconds of the most ferocious ground-and-pound you’ve ever seen.) Don’t go to the pool? Why are you still reading this? Go find a Bartles & Jaymes and GET THE FUCK OFF THIS SITE!
  8. Functionality. Now, I’ve never actually done this myself, but from what I understand you can somehow convert a beer can into a pot-smoking apparatus. Rumor has it that there ain’t no way in hell you could do this with a bottle. Conjecture? No. Fact…and don’t question me ever again.
  9. Target Practice. Don’t tell me you never had a BB gun??!!?? If you didn’t, I hear this is the place for you. Off you go.

I feel really good about that. That is probably the best blog post the internet ever has or ever will see. Now that bottled beer is lying on the pavement in a pool of its’ own blood with little chance of survival I guess I can rest my case. Jeez…that was STRONG, huh?? It’s kinda like beer cans had beer bottles in a Muay Thai clinch and just wouldn’t stop delivering knees or something.
So, in summary, beer in a can is better than beer in a bottle. Cheers.

About Jerusalem Jackson

I wasn't employee of the quarter 3 times in a row for nothin' biotches!!
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2 Responses to BEER: CANS OR BOTTLES?

  1. lakerlover says:

    Beer Bottles >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Cans

  2. FoTwinny says:

    It’s true, all one needs to make a smoking apparatus is a paperclip and a beer can.

    Instructions available upon request.


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